I'm struggling. I guess I always am, but it's a steady pulse and it's pretty insistent in it's whisper. I wonder if there's another town where I'd make sense. Someplace with muted colors and bluffs. Nothing spectacular, but a quiet, vernacular beauty that creeps up on you. The kind of thing you see in movies where the girl has loved this guy for years and he one day notices that she's amazing and she understands him perfectly.
Or not. I have faith in movies like I believe in god. To the uninitiated, that means I think it's all hogwash. But, see, that's another issue I struggle with. My faith in a thing or lack thereof is always going to be a condition for assesment of my own worth. If I belive in me and I don't belive in god, or if I think that synchronicity is serendipity and fate is mostly a long series of decisions-If I cease to believe the new age mantra of "everything happens for a reason" and I don't think that drugs are bad and that sometimes babies gotta die, am I a shitty person?
Sometimes that seems an easy yes. But let me tell you:
At the center of it all, at the center of me is a place that no one touches. I am best in my silences and that space in the center is outside of your good or evil; it's gentle, it's hurt, it's brave and it just is. I know that no matter what I do or where I go, that part of me goes with. That part of me carries everyone I've loved or who loved me, nothing mars it and nothing erodes it.
Think about me anyway you want to: I know who I am.
There's the Nietzsche quote to the effect of "show me a man alone and I'll show you a god or a monster." It's the sorting it out without the feedback that's a bitch.