Friday, November 18, 2005

...fear of losing "Street Cred"

It occurs to me that I rarely give my best here. Most of the time my personal posts are left hanging in other galleries and I'm not sure how fair that is. I've been in a really pensive mode lately, and if you're a dual subscriber that means more than it does otherwise. I spoke today with a person who's always been near, always been available and always been kind. I've shit on her in the past for it. I'm not yet the guy I hope to be. I finally took a few minutes to hear everything she was saying and find out that the kindness I mistook for obligation on my part was always a gift on her part.

I thought she was weak at times, but I can't think of a strength that runs deeper than staying stubbornly kind in the face of cruelty and staying put when told to go away. I didn't really want her to go, either. I said I did, but I'm a liar, sometimes.

I still can't be completely open here. I don't want to indict her for anything and I'm really serious about protecting her, now. And not knowing who reads this, I can't name her or let out too much. I sometimes prefer a little privacy, but not enough not to post and not so much that it leaves me lonely. I get lonely pretty easy. When I do I bite like a snake and I hope I can be forgiven.

So that's all. A little baby step toward the nudity I've been seeking for a long time.

Wait, Ive got one more footprint to make.

I hate my height. I wish I was taller. I hate my weak chin and I hate my forehead and the big crease through it. Does that explain my boots and my beard? On some other, more beautiful planet I'm pretty. I wish I was beautiful. In some parallel universe I'm really good looking and not just to Bucket. In another life people can see the things I like about myself as easily as the nose (I hate) on my face.


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